Ah, Skyrim. Where do you even begin?
That’s usually the prevailing thought, whether you’re playing the game or just discussing it. The crux of this whole sandbox RPG is that you can be just about anyone, do just about anything you want. Really, this was the title that showed the world the potential of the whole open world concept.
This is fantastic, of course, for those who love their sandbox games. You’re presented with so many options that you can simply set off exploring for hours on end, before you remember that there’s actually a main story quest waiting for you. I think I’m supposed to be retrieving some ancient artifact from a dragon or something… I’m not sure, that was two hundred hours ago.
This is all well and good, but all this independence and freedom can detract from the experience as well. The developers didn’t have a hope of following everything through, checking every little element, which led to the game’s bumper crop of hilarious glitches and bugs.
More than that, though, there are certain parts of this expansive world that just don’t hold up at all. The world of Skyrim is a magical and immersive place, but it’s also one where the laws of physics and logic often go to crapola.
Needless to say, the snarky meme-makers of the web were quick to pick up on this, and some of those Skyrim Logic memes are pure gold. Buckle up and enjoy some of the best of the best.
25 When Character Creation Is EVERYTHING… And Nothing
Before you’ve even started the game, Skyrim is hitting you with a whole array of options. The character creator, bane of a lot of more pernickety gamers’ existence, is not playing around here. There are a lot of factors to consider; hairstyles, facial features, all of these cosmetic considerations need to be dealt with.
There’s nothing unusual about that, but then you get into the things that actually affect gameplay. Skyrim also requires that you a choose a race, each of which has different abilities that serve as classes of sorts.
You won’t get to see all of those meticulously-chosen options.
Some players spend a couple of hours on this screen, debating all of these things. However much thought you’ve put into your character’s backstory, though, the sad truth is that they’re going to be clad in armour for much of the adventure.
24 When You Forget Everything Everyone Knows About Darn Dragons
Now, I don’t know about you, but I live in the UK, and we don’t tend to see many dragons around here. This isn’t freaking Harry Potter, where there are different species of the great lumbering reptiles all over the world. We haven’t seen dragons around here since the days of chivalry, when knights would hunt them down and present their heads on a platter to ladies they were trying to woo (because ‘wooing’ was actually a thing back then).
So, yes. A dragon expert, I am not. Come on, though, Dragonsreach guys. I know the basics. Rule 1 of dragon-ing is don’t build things with wood, because dragons don’t care about wood. If there were a Wood type in Pokémon, would Fire type Pokémon instantly destroy them? You’re darn right they would.
23 When The Skyrim Diet Is The Greatest Diet Ever
If you ask anyone who’s trying to lose weight, they’ll tell you that it’s a darn difficult process. There are fad diets to ignore, there’s terrible nutritional advice to be bamboozled by, expensive gym memberships to… be unable to afford. It’s just not a fun time, whichever way you slice it, and it certainly isn’t easy.
Are you carrying a little excess weight? Finish off some of that food, it’ll make you(r pack) lighter.
Why does it have to be this way? Why can’t somebody devise a Krispy Kreme diet, that sees you shedding the pounds while enjoying that sweet, sweet Reece’s doughnut (which is totally the best one they have, and I’ll fight you on the street if you even try to deny it).
In the world of Skyrim, things are much simpler.
22 When Ysgramor Wins Every Match Of Knifey-Spoony
Now, I know that we can’t confuse this fantastical, Game of Thrones-y, Dark Souls-y world with reality. This is not the place for logic, reason or realism. I totally get that, and I’ve made my peace with it.
Dragon slaying? Sure, go right ahead. Necromancers, vampires and all manner of ghastly abominations from the depths of Satan’s underpants hamper? Sure, I can dig that too. I’m a fan of this sort of fictional setting, and I’m not a stickler for this stuff. I have absolutely zero problem with taking liberties with logic. Why doesn’t Arnold Schwarzenegger ever have to reload his gun, while he’s blasting at umpteen angry criminals? Because it doesn’t matter, that’s why.
Nevertheless, we’ve got to draw the line somewhere. Who is this guy who can eat soup with a fork? WHO?
21 When Real Men Fight In Furs
As I say, then, I’m not the sort of person who gets pernickety with these sorts of things. Whether we’re talking video games, movies or TV shows, I like to use these things to avoid reality for a while. I’m not one to question every little thing that doesn’t add up, because it often doesn’t need to at all.
Reality? Ain’t nobody got time fo dat.
In the real world, sure, your enemy would have noticed that chest, rifled through it and grabbed the much-superior weapon therein in a heartbeat. That’s just not the way games work, though. What if you were cruising along as Mario, and all of the question mark blocks had already been headbutted by goombas? I couldn’t even live in a world that thought that kind of nonsense was socially acceptable.
20 When Your Poison Is The Poison-est Poison That Ever Poisoned
So, yes. As we’ve discussed, Skyrim has a way of sending new players scurrying to message boards, asking about such and such a mechanic. Elder Scrolls veterans may have an easier ride, certainly, but this game really is huge and complex.
We all know about the vast scope of Skyrim’s world, but the true depth is in the smaller, more subtle elements. At first, systems like smithing, enchanting gear and crafting potions might not seem like much, but there’s so much to experiment with here.
Some might even say there’s too much going on.
For a lot of games, poison is straight up and simple to understand. A simple poison potion, which you can also apply to arrows to make poison arrows? Sure, that’s foolproof enough. But you can also pull these sorts of shenanigans.
19 When You Sure Know How To Romance Your Husband/Wife To Be
Some cynics will tell you that romance is pretty well over these days. It’s all about Tinder, casual dates that are never leading anywhere, and ‘experimenting’ with people at college. Even in committed relationships, you’re busier staring at your cell phones and posting on social media than actually engaging with your partner.
Let’s all be thankful, then, those video games are still here standing up for old-fashioned values. Remember when ‘wooing’ was a thing? When you’d have to do a range of tedious fetch quests for your prospective partner, before they’d agree to marry you?
To be fair, this isn’t all that far from real life. People really do have affection and approval meters for others, it’s just that there isn’t a handy-dandy HUD you can use to check it.
18 When You’re A Strong, Independent Nord Smith Who Don’t Need No Hammer
Oh, Skyrim. Like so many huge, iconic and beloved games, your fanbase is super loyal. They’ll see the most hilarious and ridiculous glitches, and they won’t whine about them. They’ll flip it around, claiming that they’re part of the game’s charm. Before modding everything to within an inch of its life in the name of quality of life improvements, naturally.
On occasion, a blacksmith’s tools will just glitch out of existence. What of it?
Sure, you can’t be picky. Bugs, clipping and other minor issues are inevitable on a title of this scale (just ask Final Fantasy XV). So, what are we to do when confronted with these things? Just make the most of it. Turn that frown upside down and embrace the great meme opportunity you’ve been given.
17 When The Helmet Everybody Loves Is Kind Of Terrible
Now, see, this is what happens. This is what happens when your game’s PR spiel, screenshots, early reveals and such all center around a character wearing a particular armour set.
It totally makes sense from a logical standpoint, but certain outfits become associated with a character forever, and that can be a problem. A Bloodborne hunter, say, is always depicted wearing that classic, default set, despite there being a range of awesome options to choose from. Remember Henrik’s set, the yellow pirate-looking one? Now that’s what I want to see in the promo art and on the action figures.
Similarly, you may have gone into Skyrim expecting great things of this icon of a helmet. I know I did, and I know that I soon dropped it like a hot, radioactive potato full of razor blades.
16 When Your Carrying Capacity Lets You ALL The Way Down
We’ve already touched on this before, but carrying capacity can tend to be a big issue for Skyrim newcomers. It’s a game that lays everything on the table (the literal dinner table, in a lot of cases), tempting you with valuable loot, foot, candlesticks, books, just about everything. You’ll have no clue whether a lot of these things will ever be useful to you, but you’ll want them anyway. That’s the hoarder mind of the gamer.
Darn you, load-increasing potion.
If you try and nab everything you see, you’ll soon find that you’re carrying too heavy a load and can barely move. Inventory management can be a little fiddly in Skyrim, as it can with a lot of similar RPGs. The irony of the whole thing is lost on nobody, though.
15 When Weapon ‘Awesomeness’ Isn’t A Valid Stat
Speaking of Dark Souls, the whole concept of Fashion Souls has always interested me. In this series, as well as others like Monster Hunter, there’s a constant battle between what’s practical and what looks amazing. How many of you Monster Hunter World players know the feeling of finally crafting an armour set, getting the skills you wanted, only to find one that looks much better and feeling totally torn? A lot of you, I’d say.
Fancy sparkly bits aren’t everything, friends. If Final Fantasy is to be believed, the greatest weapons are the flashiest (see Cloud’s Ultima Weapon), but that’s not always the case. It’s more about power than about whose sword glows the most, am I right? Min-maxers everywhere would be horrified by the idea of choosing a weapon because it looks coolest.
14 When You Just Don’t Respect The Butterflies
Playing Skyrim sure can be an emotional rollercoaster. In the space of about five minutes, you can loot a super rare material from a chest, defeat an opponent you thought was leagues above you and lose a precious save file to the gods of Skyrim glitchery. It’s a little too much to cope with, at times, and I find it tough to play for long periods at a time.
Won’t somebody think of the butterflies?
So do many people, for all sorts of reasons. In this case, we’re looking at Skyrim as a sort of harsh reality survival sim, where anything and everything must be harvested to keep us going just that little bit longer.
Incidentally, I had exactly this experience with Don’t Starve, which also sees you collecting butterfly wings as a resource.
13 When You Totally DON’T Yield
Traditionally, honour hasn’t had much of a place in the video game universe. There’s a whole wide world of cheaters, griefers, trolls, campers, and spammers out there. There you are, after all, safe and anonymous behind your user handle, free to mess with anyone and everyone however you want.
There are games like League of Legends and Call of Duty that are often derided for their ‘toxic’ communities, the general shonky behavior of the playerbase. There’s more to it than that, though. It’s not just our fault. The NPCs themselves can be raging d-bags too.
Like this guy, right here. I don’t know about you, but I like my yield-ers to… actually yield. Come on, now, I expect better from the roaming lawless bandits of the land.
12 When You Get Your Hands On Some of That Newfangled Waterproof Fire
Now, sure, we’ve talked some smack about the mostly-wooden Dragonsreach. Harsh words were said, architects were mocked, there it is. There’s no going back now.
We could just dismiss this one as simple pickiness, but where’s the fun in that?
I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m wrong, though. When you screw up spectacularly and frequently, like I do, you become less sensitive about those sorts of things. The Dragonsreachers may have totally known what they’re doing after all. Fire, after all, has some bizarre properties in Skyrim. Is this some kind of Bizarro World, where flames burn just fine underwater and are put out by contact with wood? Who can really say for sure? There are some shonky things going on in this world, as we know.
11 When You Want To Be A Decent Person, But Loot Is Life
It’s a funny thing, isn’t it? If games with morality systems have taught us anything, it’s that it’s often much more fun to go the evil route. As 1997’s PC strategy title Dungeon Keeper proclaimed, Evil is Good. That was the tagline printed right on the front of the box there, to leave us in no doubt about the whole thing.
Some would tell you that there’s something deep and disturbing at the root of this. That the choices we make in Black and White and similar games reveal a lot about us as people.
I guess, to an extent, that might be true. Most importantly, though, that skeleton’s already long gone. That’s why it’s a skeleton. It might have a few gold pieces on its ex-person, and that’s what really matters here.
10 When The Townspeople Are Way Too Darn Protective Of Their Chickens
Leading on from that point, there’s another essential angle to consider. Oftentimes, video games present a totally skewed sense of morality, of reward vs punishment. Why is it that, before being sent out to save the entire universe from destruction, we still have to pay for weapons and such at shops? For practicality’s sake, that’s why. It may not make sense, but it makes CENTS…
If you’ve ever thoughtlessly jabbed at a Cucco in The Legend of Zelda, you’ll have felt the inexplicable fury of chickens.
There are other similar decisions that just cannot be excused. I’m not sure what it is about these little guys, but for whatever reason, you do not mess with them. Does this sound reasonable to you? That’s because it isn’t.
9 When Simple Routes And Paths Are For The WEAK
You know, it’s true what they say. You really can have too much of a good thing. All of this open world freedom is a great thing for gaming, in certain genres, but it’s definitely possible to take the whole idea a little too far.
Titles like Assassin’s Creed offer huge, sprawling worlds, and teach us that intense parkour is the most liberating and awesome method of traveling. Barreling up super tall structures and leap-of-faith-ing it down is darn neat for sure, but is it really necessary in every situation? Look at Breath of the Wild, and how much whining there was on the web about the in-game rain. That’s how reliant Link is on his ability to climb.
Sometimes, it’s totally okay to quickly head down to the store without traversing a sheer mountain face to get there.
8 When Your NPCs Really Aren’t The Smartest
The sad fact is, however huge and sprawling your game world might be; however laden with sidequests, distractions, and collectibles, you’re going to be subject to the laws of RPGs. One of the biggest of these is that NPCs can be a darn boring bunch. This is totally fair, of course, as you can’t expect Random Person Shuffling Around Their Backyard In The Town #321 to be a major player.
We’re used to these guys recycling the same dialogue, offering slim to bupkus in the way of personality.
A mod heavy game like Skyrim has tried to address this a little, but there it is. The average Skyrim residents aren’t the smartest and liveliest of folk, and they don’t tend to notice such subtle changes as this one right here.
7 When You’re Looting An Abandoned Crypt And Find Some Sweet Vegetables
There are other reasons why the whole go anywhere, do anything concept can be a little detrimental. There’s a whole multitude of ways to approach this game, as veteran players know darn well, and that’s a key reason why so many of them are still playing years down the line.
That’s fantastic for veteran players, of course, but what of those who are just popping their Skyrim cherries? The more there is to do, the more overwhelming it can be. I fondly remember my first playthrough, spending far too much time trying to steal everything I possibly could. The trouble was, I had no idea what was actually useful. Items show up in the oddest places. Why are there perfectly fresh vegetables down here in this mausoleum? Do I want them, or do I not?
6 When Skyrim Drops REAL Logic And Subverts Tired Memes
Oh, yes. Here it is, friends. The great grandpappy of all Skyrim memes. You just can’t make a rundown of such without referencing this one. It would just be unethical.
As we all know, somewhere in the game, you’ll encounter a certain NPC who spouts a certain iconic phrase. I don’t think that guard had any idea what he was getting himself into when he said it, or what an internet celebrity he was going to make his little virtual self.
The snarky meme makers of the web took the arrow to the knee ball and ran it to the end zone. What we needed was a fresh take on it all, and here it is.
This is what happens when Skyrim logic approaches actual logic. The two should stay far removed from each other.
