Final Fantasy VII is my favorite entry in the series, which you might know if you read my ranking if the series last year. I know I know. Admittedly there’s a lot to fault about it, but it still holds a special place in my heart. First of all, it was my first entry in the series. That’s probably a major factor in determining someone’s favorite across the board. I’m sure that’s not a 100% guarantee, but I bet a good number of people would agree with that assumption. Nostalgia plays a big role in video games. Ha, for that matter it’s one of the reasons why TheGamer can exist. We’re all beholden to nostalgia and remembering the good old days before things got overcomplicated in adulthood. Who wants to worry about bills?

I’m trailing off from Final Fantasy VII, but my point is nostalgia is powerful and that’s a big reason why it’s my favorite. I must have played it all the way through about 5-6 times by now across a multitude of platforms. I wrote about and covered my history extensively last year for its 20th anniversary. Why is that important to note here? Basically I know this game backwards and forwards. I know every positive I can list about the game and equally, I have thoughts on what drives me crazy. If you’re a fan too than these twenty-five comics are going to make you bust a gut.

25 Ever Heard Of A Phoenix Down?

I kind of already talked about this in another article on why a Phoenix Down wouldn’t work on Aeris. See in D&D, the origin of all RPGs, when you loose all of your HP you simply go unconscious. If you then go a certain amount into the negative like -8, then you actually loose your life. The same philosophy can probably be related to video games. If someone goes down they’re probably just unconscious, which is why an item like a Phoenix Down would work.

Phoenix Downs don’t resurrect you!

It’s not literally reviving them from the underworld. So a Phoenix Down wouldn’t have worked on Aeris especially if she rotted away into a skeleton. My explanation sort of ruined the joke, but I’m tired of people suggesting Cloud could have used a Phoenix Down.

You can find more from the artist here.

24 The Ladies Man

Cloud isn’t exactly enthralled with women. Sure he attracts girls to him like a fly is attracted to a corpse, but he doesn’t exactly reciprocate as in he’s not a loose devil looking for skin. That said I could relate to this comic knowing that Cloud isn’t promiscuous. I chose this same party setup after Midgar without question. Cloud may not be looking for love in the game, but I sure was. Why would I want more guys on my team? Sure that may enforce some sort of power fantasy, but I was also a young boy at the time … More ladies like Tifa, please! I can’t be the only one that thought like this, right? That’s why this panel exists.

23 DLC Your Cares Away

This would have to be Square Enix’s sleaziest move if they implemented something like this in the remake for Final Fantasy VII. Everyone hated when Aeris left so much so that tons of hacks and cheats appeared as countermeasures to revive her. Personally I was fine. It was shocking, but I don’t really care for her character that much. Tifa is BAE all the way.

Shut up and take my money!

Ahem, anyway even though they’ve been known to have bad pricing models even this would be too much for them. What are they EA? If it was EA’s franchise you better believe this would happen. Maybe you would need to buy cards in order to just get a chance to revive Aeris. I pray to Jesus EA doesn’t buy Square Enix.

22 Look Ma, No Hands

One of the biggest jokes, or more like questions from Final Fantasy VII, is in regards to Cloud’s giant Buster Sword. How can he wield that behemoth of a weapon? Have you seen how puny his arms are? Barrett I can see wielding that thing like a beast, but it doesn’t make sense for Cloud. That is until you find out he’s a clone and also has supernatural strength thanks to experimentation within Shinra. If you played the game then you’d know that. Just like the whole Phoenix Down thing I sort of explained away the criticism. It’s easy to make a snap judgment from afar. Ignorance leads to stupid jokes. That said this comic is funny. Pff, Tidus sucks especially next to the god that is Cloud.

21 Sloth Thy Name Is Vincent

Vincent was a secret character you could only get through a side quest just like Yuffie. My first time through I missed him and Yuffie sadly, but they’re kind of tucked away and I was young at the time. Anyway, he’s in the basement of the Shinra Mansion in Nibelheim. Basically, the story goes that he used to be a Turk, turned a blind eye to some bad experimentation, and thus decided to seal his evils away in a coffin never to awaken again.

More like Count Vincent.

It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense and thus this comic is the perfect summary of how that first encounter should have went. No creepy vampire, we don’t want you with us. There’s only room for one brooding protagonist in this party and his name is Cloud.

20 The Lucas Effect

Help us o’ benevolent lord if Square Enix ever gets George Lucas to help with the Final Fantasy VII remake. I can see this being his exact thought process based on what he did with the Star Wars prequels. He even messed up his original work with his constant meddling of the DVD re-releases. Can you imagine what he could ruin with Final Fantasy VII, a narrative already ripe with convoluted plot holes? My. God. Help us all. That said a dark part of me is mildly curious what he would actually do. It’s like a train wreck. It’d be a horrible accident, but I couldn’t look away. Now that I think about it for as many spinoffs this game has had I’m surprised we haven’t seen one from Sephiroth’s perspective.

19 Grin And Barret

Barret’s heart breaks in two.

I almost have the platinum trophy on PS4, but I just can’t bare myself to do this dog and pony show to date Barret even though I know it’s funny. Yes, of course, I looked it up on YouTube. What was I supposed to do? This is 2018 people.

18 The Remake Of Fears

As excited as I am about the Final Fantasy VII remake, I’m also incredibly worried. For one I don’t think they have the drive to do stuff like this any more. I mean look how long it took for Final Fantasy XV to come out. The problem? Tetsuya Nomura. Makes me equally worried for Kingdom Hearts III. Basically what I’m trying to say is don’t get your hopes up. It was announced at E3 2015 and I predict it’ll be out on the PS5 by 2025 at the earliest. I want to be wrong, but come on. Anyway if you do get it sooner be prepared to pay out loads of cash for DLC that was originally in the game. And like that other comic said, I bet Aeris can be resurrected for dough too.

17 Optional Groose

Speaking of DLC this comic sort of ties into more possibilities. Hilarious ones that probably won’t come true, but it sure is fun to imagine the possibilities. First, the alternate storyline where Aeris lives. We’ve pretty much covered that already. Two, bringing not just Cloud into drag, but Sephiroth too. Fan girls would eat that up. That must exist in some fan fiction already though, right? Lastly, perhaps the weirdest of the bunch.

The Groosening will now commence.

Now Groose is a very minor character in The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. He’s a lovable goof who means well, but acts just as weird as he looks. Great name though. He’s the only thing the Internet seemingly loves about that game. Groose is a meme I don’t get, but it is funny in a random way.

16 The Cloudsons

Time for another Simpsons lesson courtesy of this obsessive fan. Except for Cloud being cropped into the image, nothing about the rest of it is doctored. It’s a season thirteen joke, which is well after I cared about the show any more. I kind of trailed off after season ten. Simpsons snobbery aside this image has been doctored to heck and back across the Internet, but this is the best one I’ve seen. It’s another simple one to doctor too, as it is just a newspaper headline. Just go ahead and Google “old man yells at cloud” and you’ll be amazed. The only thing I would like better is if someone drew Cloud in the Simpsons style i.e. bright and yellow. Maybe make his hair became apart of him like Bart’s.

15 Mega-Squishy Materia

Materia is like an all-purpose magic condensed into a stone via the planet’s energy. There’s a Materia for everything whether you want to ignite your foes on fire, steal items, or raise your Chocobo allure. There are even some out there that raise your bodily stats like HP. Who’s to say there isn’t one that can make your chest bigger.

I’ll have what she’s having.

We already know the world of Final Fantasy VII is a messed up place with bars, ladies of the night, and things of that nature. I’m sure something like this exists, or is at least in development at Shinra. That said even with bigger jugs it doesn’t make Aeris more attractive than Tifa.

14 What’s Under There?

Speaking of Final Fantasy VII’s underbelly, we have the 7th Heaven bar. This is also where AVALANCHE’s secret base is. Regardless of all that what’s most important here is that Tifa runs it. What? Did you think she dressed like that because it’s comfortable? Heck no. She knows the game. This is the best way to dress if you want to get more tips. She then proceeded to go out into battle with that attire so I guess she didn’t have time to change before she ventured out. Anyway, what this one-panel masterpiece points out is that Tifa also probably enjoys her own supply pretty regularly. Not sure why Cloud is afraid though.

13 CPR Overload

I think this might be my favorite comic on here demonstrating one of the worst parts of the game. Once you make it to Junon you try and use the lift to get up into the city, but soldiers won’t let you through. So a young girl, Priscilla, tells you her dolphin can get you up there. Long story short she gets attacked by a monster, you fight it, and then have to perform a CPR mini-game to resuscitate here.

He’ll leave you breathless.

The longer you hold in the air the stronger your breath will be and thus the faster she’ll be revived. To me, this comic is the poster child for jokes only hardcore Final Fantasy VII nerds will appreciate. That explosion is priceless. I always thought Cloud could suck in too much air.

12 Grind Time

It doesn’t really say it, but based on the landscape I assume this comic is placed right outside Midgar. The boss Cloud might be referring to us the optional Midgar Zolom. You need to train like crazy in order to defeat it at that point in the game, which is near impossible. The correct thing to do is to catch a Chocobo, which is fast enough to outrun it. Then later on you can show the Midgar Zolom what’s what.

Running around in circles.

That’s part of the joke, or at least I assume. The more important part is running around to level up via random encounters. If think about it, it may seem insane in the world of Final Fantasy VII. Thankfully random encounters are almost extinct in RPGs now.

11 Unlimited Storage

This is more of a clever pun than it is a hilarious commentary on Final Fantasy VII. You know because Cloud is so similar to iCloud. Get it? Haha… Ahem, yes well anyway I’m sure something like that doesn’t exist in the 1997 world of Final Fantasy VII. They definitely don’t have storage in any sort of iCloud and if they did I’d be worried since Shinra is the company that rules the world. More importantly I don’t know why anyone would want to see Yuna? I guess that’s besides the point, this is just meant to be scandalous and it could really be any Final Fantasy character’s name that shows up there.

10 Figures Of Opportunity

Square Enix knows just the right strings to pull to get fans both excited and furious. It may not seem like they know what they’re doing, but I think they’re very aware. I’m hopeful that the Final Fantasy VII remake is going to happen, but I’m not holding my breath like I said before. Even if it doesn’t come out Square Enix is going to tease it just enough to justify selling a new line of merchandise to hungry fans.

Figure me this Cloudman.

They’re already expensive too unless you can find a deal. I have a nice collection of models, figures, and statues I’ve accumulated throughout the years, but I’ve never paid over $60 for one and I’m not going to start anytime soon no matter how boss a new Cloud would look on my shelf.

9 Sabembermoff

There are a lot of good points the boys at Penny Arcade bring up in this comic. For one I too knew people who never played Final Fantasy VII, but because Advent Children was a movie they were ready to jump in blind. It still looks pretty good by today’s standards of CG animated films, but it was a top-notch spectacle when it originally released in 2006. I remember vividly downloading a trailer for it back when it was originally announced when dial up Internet was still the standard. A three-minute trailer took a couple hours! Now we can watch not just trailers in seconds, but full films too. Technology sure has progressed since then. My friends had no idea what the game was about, but they at least never said anything weird like Sabembermoff.

8 Dating Life

I touched on this earlier, but the full list of characters Cloud can go on a date with at Golden Saucer are Aeris, Tifa, Yuffie, and Barret. Unless you’re into guys, or just want a funny scene, Barret is probably not what most people strive toward. I had always assumed it was just between Tifa and Aeris as they were kind of the dual love interests for Cloud. I was also surprised to see Yuffie had a chance too, which may be even weirder than Barret.

Yuffie is just not ok.

In the original game, Cloud is listed at being 21 while Yuffie is … not that age. That situation was clearly made for international fans, where this is more appropriate than in the West.

7 Realistic Expectations

As I said a few times now I’m not so sure the Final Fantasy VII remake is happening. I was excited to see the teaser and gameplay trailer, but again, I held my expectations in check. Like this comic, I jumped for joy harder when they announced the PS4 port was happening with all of its extras and enhancements included in from the PC version. To me, it was at least more realistic of a goal. It may be just a few things, but they were enough to justify playing it over again. You can fast forward time, turn off encounters, and become invincible with your Limit Break always fully charged. Plus it had trophies, which I came very close to completing. Ugh, if only dating Barret wasn’t so tedious!

6 Stormy Weather

I think I can say without a doubt that everyone is most excited to see Cloud in a dress in high definition when the Final Fantasy VII remake comes out. That’s a given. In fact they should have Hideo Kojima come in there to guest direct that whole section to make it super weird. That’s part one to this comic. Part two is a commentary on Lightning basically being a female Cloud.

You’ve got Lightning in my Cloud.

Now Final Fantasy VII and Final Fantasy XIII don’t really have a lot in common in terms of themes, or overarching narratives. Sure there’s an opening scene with a train, you fight a big scorpion robot, there’s one black guy and he uses guns…oh wait maybe they have more in common than I thought.